Breathing is hard.

I am not any "job."  If the job is no longer an option, I will find another.  I am worth more than any "job."  All that losing a job means for me is an opening of the horizon.  If I no longer have a job, I can choose to make whatever changes I want.

No, I didn't get fired (I don't think).  About 5 years ago, I was working at a day care in Kansas City.  I had a BAD DAY.  I almost quit at lunch that day.  I later wished I had.  There was an incident with a parent, and when I let my bosses know what was going on, they said, "don't worry, don't take it so personally, it'll be ok."  20 minutes later, I was called into the office and fired with no explanation.  I think that they had been looking for a way to fire me, because I had been upfront with them about wanting to move.  Whatever their reason, I am still profoundly affected by their actions.  Any time I have a conversation with my boss, I start having panic attacks that I will be fired, regardless of whether or not anything bad has happened.  If, however, I have recently had a bad day, the panic increases exponentially.  I hate that I panic and start crying in front of my bosses.  I have always had a problem with feeling the need to be perfect.  If I am not perfect at something, I either shut down, or panic. If it's not important, I shut down.  If it is important, I panic, cry, obsess, and generally make myself crazy.

I had a bad day at work the other day.  I ended up talking with multiple bosses, and everything was resolved (I think).  I even had better days afterwards.  But, an off-hand question from one of my bosses over the phone this morning has started the panic cycle over again.

I keep telling myself that it's probably nothing; that even if I am fired, I can use it as an opportunity; that it's not the end of the world.  I'm not sure, however, if I can make myself believe it.

...

On a completely different topic, I had a dream last night about my tiny house.  I had built a bedroom into the back of a school bus.  It was awesome, and I was so happy to have it!  Then I ran around a school, and ate paper.  It was a bit of a weird dream.

I'd like to go back to school to finish my Master's Degree, so that it doesn't become another thing I "almost" did.  I'd like to stick around the midwest for another year to facilitate this.  But, if I have to leave Kansas earlier than expected, I can still finish my degree.  I'd like to go to Seattle, at least for a while.  Maybe I'll go somewhere else after that.

It's the gypsy life for me, I think.